Bah Humbug

Dear Mr. Santa Claus:

Excuse me, but I’m writing this letter to inform you that I’m skipping Christmas this year, and I’m plugging up the chimney so there’s no need for you to try and stuff your big old butt down there. 

What?

You heard me.  I don’t have time for this Yule tide crap and putting up the pesky tree and baking sugar cookies shaped like, well, you.  Who made you up anyway?  You aren’t very attractive, and I’d venture to say, you, sir, are no fashion plate.  I mean, seriously, that jacket and those suspenders are vintage something from the weird ages.    I usually don’t mind people dressing casually when they come into my home, but red pajamas?  Really?  

So, excuse me while I try to find another way to celebrate the holidays.   Santa Claus…less.   I know it can be done.   The Jewish folks manage just fine, quite beautifully actually. And who wouldn’t like a present everyday for Hanukkah.   I’m all about the presents.  I just don’t want to work too hard for them.  If I work the system through you, Santa, I have to bust my ass with all the yuletide and jingle-belly traditions, scary distant relatives and the dreaded deluge of Jell-O molds. 

Mistletoe for example.  Really?  What were you thinking with the mistletoe, Santa?  Don’t you get enough loving from Mrs. Santa during the off-season?    In all my days of celebrating the holidays, no one has ever been under that mistletoe with me that I would actually want to kiss.  Can you imagine the germs?  The bad breath?  Uncle Harold’s brown false teeth?  Great Auntie Marjorie’s snuff spittle?   No thank you.  I’ll pass on the mistletoe.  I don’t’ brush my teeth and use mouthwash to get spit-washed by Cousin James’ 12 inch tongue.  His wife might enjoy “all that” and more power to her.

Oh and Santa?  One of my readers recently called me Ms. Scrooge, and I would like to officially take issue with that.  When it comes to Christmas, the ONE thing I truly love is to give presents.  If I have money (or any room on my dozens of credit cards), my family and friends are going to be spoiled rotten with goodies.  I don’t like shopping, but I can push, paw and purchase with the best of them when it comes to getting a good deal.  And shopping online?   Oh baby.  For me it’s better than internet porn.  Not that I would know of such things.  But still…

Maybe what I need to do is just invent my own celebration.  Take you completely out of it, Santa boy.  Leave the Christmas ham in.  Take the mistletoe out.   Leave the hot cocktail waitress dressed up like Santa’s helper in.  Take the egg nog out.  Leave all the rest of the alcohol in. 

What?  I live in Vegas.  You celebrate your way.  I’ll celebrate mine.

Yes, Santa, this could work.  Except I have a bone to pick with you.    I just hate it when I get presents that I don’t want.   I remember my Aunt Loraine (bless her heart and may she still be resting in peace after I call her out like this) bringing over presents to our house for me and my sister.  Every year, I would get so excited with anticipation and then every year I would open up Aunt Loraine’s gift and it would be underwear.  Every freaking year.  What’s up with that business, Santa?  Couldn’t you have intervened at some point and stopped all the knickers-madness?  Seriously.

Isn’t that the definition of insanity?  “Doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results”.   Every year I had new hope for Auntie’s gift, and every year my hopes were dashed by the bloomers.   Sad.

Anyway, Santa, we were discussing the awful gifts?  You know, the ones like the seven-days-of-the-week panties pack,  the 50 cent box of chocolate covered cherries,  the costume jewelry, the fruitcake and the lava lamp?   I could go on and on.  Something needs to be done about awful gifts, Santa Claus.  I think I can help you out here, as I have a business degree and  I’m all about project management.  So, what you should do is, put together a sub-committee to research and discuss awful gifting, then have them report to you on a bi-weekly basis until they come up with a solution  Why bi-weekly?   I just like saying Bi.  (snort). 

One solution to this awful gifting dilemma might be to go into a store and put your gift preferences into a computer, like brides do when they register.  I sure as hell wouldn’t be listing knickers, either, so Auntie would be having a fit.  But she’s not here, so this just might work!  Have your sub-committee look into it, Santa, will ya?  If I receive one more jingle-bells singing fish I’m going to scream.  

 

 

 

 

In closing, Santa, maybe I won’t plug up my chimney after all.  I don’t want to go against tradition.  I like popcorn in those giant tins as much as the next girl.  Just please bring something cool this year, like an iPhone or a Corvette……….or a redhead.  I promise you I have been a very good girl.

What? Santa?  No, my fingers are not crossed behind my back!

(How’d he know?)

Sincerely,

Terri

 (Images from Google Images)

31 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Eva Gallant
    Dec 16, 2011 @ 18:30:48

    Very cute! lol Sure you’ve been good!

    Reply

  2. Ally
    Dec 16, 2011 @ 18:37:05

    No underwear and no fruitcake! 🙂 (I’ll drink the eggnog for you, though)

    Reply

    • tsonoda148
      Dec 17, 2011 @ 20:25:13

      Egg nog, Ally? When there’s all that Baileys and Champagne and tequila and wine out there to be enjoyed? But each to her own. Thank goodness you don’t want knickers at least. ROFL

      Reply

  3. Karla Telega
    Dec 16, 2011 @ 18:46:48

    Since I stopped putting rum in it, eggnog just isn’t worth drinking. I once got a bright pink jacket with reflective tape lining–I almost cried when I saw it. Really, I already glowed in the dark when I wore it. The tape was overkill.

    Reply

    • tsonoda148
      Dec 17, 2011 @ 20:26:53

      Trying to picture that and the visuals are making my eyeballs bleed. I just don’t see you in pink. Blazing, fire-breathing RED maybe. But please, no pink. OY

      Reply

  4. Rachel (Totally Ovar It)
    Dec 16, 2011 @ 19:02:07

    I’m rather upset with you. I just spit out my wine three, yes THREE, times. Good wine. Nice wine. You are too damn funny. I was spitting, snorting, choking and laughing. My husband had to leave the room. I love you and your humor, T. Also, I would totally mack on you under the mistletoe.

    Reply

  5. My Inner Chick
    Dec 16, 2011 @ 20:53:47

    Terri,
    have you been a naughty girl?

    That’s what Santa told me. Yeah, he’s in Minnesota much more than he’s in Vegas.

    Luv Ya. Xx

    Reply

    • tsonoda148
      Dec 17, 2011 @ 20:28:13

      Now Kim, you know that I would never EVER be a naughty girl………..

      Naughty Woman, for sure, though.

      And next time I see that big mouthed Santa, he’s getting his pie hole duct taped. Sheesh.

      Reply

  6. Vidya Sury
    Dec 16, 2011 @ 21:00:55

    Terri. This has got to stop. Stop making me read your (fantastic, fabulous, amazingly funny) posts when my mouth is full of coffee. Right now I cannot afford to go get a new computer/keyboard/mouse and neither am I tech-savvy enough to restore keys flooded with coffee. Well, I suppose I could stop taking coffee to the computer, but….:-D

    I swear Vidur came running when he heard me sputtering and making weird noises and then went on to full-blown laughter. He thought I’d gone nuts. Now, I am going to be laughing all day. I can just visualize you looking over your glasses at Santa sternly. Hehehe. I just hope he replies by saying it, not spraying it! Giggle.

    You rock. I’ve been thinking of compiling some of my favorite blog posts and making an e-book out of it. This one will definitely go in there. But at this rate, looks like I’ll have to include all your posts eh?

    Big Hugs to you. You totally rock!

    Reply

    • tsonoda148
      Dec 17, 2011 @ 20:29:48

      I like to Rock, my sweet Vidya. And do you know why? Because I love making people laugh. I’m not much in person, so I could never do ‘stand-up’, but I love to write humor. I’m so glad you enjoy my crazy silliness. XOXOs

      Reply

  7. littlepatti
    Dec 17, 2011 @ 04:27:06

    Hi Terry- I am totally in the Christmas Spirit. Join me.
    * I have never received a gift that I didn’t like.
    * I believe it’s better to give than to receive.
    * Fruit cake is good for you.
    * Egg Nog is good for you, too.
    * Christmas shopping is fun.
    * The gifts I give are always perfect..
    * “Auntie Lorraine” is not “gone”.
    Fa-la-la-la-la-La- La-LA La!

    Reply

    • tsonoda148
      Dec 17, 2011 @ 20:31:26

      Patti, how much NOG have YOU had? hmmmmmm??? Auntie Loraine is gone. Are you trying to give me nightmares? She wasn’t the nicest Auntie, but that’s a whole ‘nuther story.

      Reply

      • littlepatti
        Dec 18, 2011 @ 11:30:07

        That was “my full ‘o shit” list. Fa la la la la-La LA la la!
        Sorry you took it for the real thing! Must have sceered you!

      • tsonoda148
        Dec 18, 2011 @ 12:08:48

        HaHa, you rascal you. I love you. Even when you scare me. You keep me on my toes, that’s for sure. Hope you’re enjoying your holidays, though, for real. i actually am, especially now that I found out I have a job after the first of the year. I have a much better outlook! XOXOs and Feliz Navidad.

  8. Sandy Webb
    Dec 17, 2011 @ 06:18:58

    I don’t like Christmas! Never have & never will. Although, I am one to take full advantage of the mistletoe tradition 😉 I don’t know where you get your humor from but maybe you should switch to comedy writing. Your posts always bring a smile to my face……thanks

    Reply

    • tsonoda148
      Dec 17, 2011 @ 20:33:13

      Wow thanks for the compliment Sandy….about the comedy writing. However, I have been writing humor since my blog began. I’m a humor ho. Speaking of mistletow, I saw the naughtiest picture online today. It was a guy with mistletoe hung on his belt buckle. O.M.(yucky) G

      Reply

  9. sherri
    Dec 17, 2011 @ 07:17:33

    Love it Ms. Humbug. lol
    and “a redhead’ never knew that . lol

    Reply

    • tsonoda148
      Dec 17, 2011 @ 20:34:20

      Riiiiiight Ms Sherri. You didn’t know that. Umm Hmmm. Sure. Glad you stopped by Chica. Missed you. HUGSSS

      Reply

  10. lbddiaries
    Dec 17, 2011 @ 08:50:19

    You are so funny. When I was growing up, I dreamed of someday getting “days of the week” u-wear but alas. Never did happen until I was old enough to buy my own. Now I’m dreaming of far more risque clothing items… heh heh heh. MERRY CHRISTMAS!

    Reply

    • tsonoda148
      Dec 17, 2011 @ 20:36:57

      Feel free to elaborate on those new dreams right here. We’re here to “listen” (or gawk) Not Judge. G’ head…..

      hehehe

      Reply

  11. littlepatti
    Dec 17, 2011 @ 10:35:23

    Sorry TE R R I- I misspelled your name…again!
    I’m 68. When I was younger (much) we always gave each other panties for birthdays, and also white fancy hankies, either in a box or tucked into a card. One year someone gave me a tiny 3″- glass ballerina-with a filigree (glass) tutu. What a treasure!
    AH, memory lane. I like today’s gifts better. Much, much better. (except for the Ballerina).

    Reply

    • tsonoda148
      Dec 17, 2011 @ 20:40:39

      Hello Pattie……er, I mean Patty…..er I mean Pattee…..whatthefuckever. No worries about misspelling my name. I know how to spell it, so it’s a non issue. I love the idea of gifting fancy hankies and the ballerina sounds precious. Panties, though? I was going to say something, but you know it would come out naughty, so I’ll just stop right here. My vino is taking over.

      Reply

  12. Lorna's Voice
    Dec 17, 2011 @ 12:44:04

    I hear you. For me, the “holidays” are more trouble than they are worth. If we just were thoughtful, kind, and generous every day of the ear, there wouldn’t be a need to reserve a special time of year to behave that way!

    Reply

  13. unknownmami
    Dec 17, 2011 @ 22:09:14

    I hope you get a redhead.

    Reply

  14. Kimberly
    Dec 18, 2011 @ 11:15:25

    Bi-golly…
    I fucking hate fruit cake.

    Reply

  15. Emily
    Dec 18, 2011 @ 22:36:03

    Oh, ugh, I think Uncle Harold’s brown false teeth may have just changed my feelings about mistletoe forever. Yikes!

    That’s right, Santa, consider yourself warned.

    Reply

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