Xanax, The Pillow Pill

I hear all these stories, these mentions on the internet, these jokes from female coworkers…all about Xanax.  I hear “Xanax, take me away!”  (A pharmaceutical spin on the Calgon commercial, I would assume).   I hear  “I’ll have an order of Nachos and a Moby Dick Margarita with a Xanax Chaser”.  That’s one of my personal faves.  Oh yes, and the one that has taken place of the old headache excuse is “You want me tonight?  You’ll have to Xanax me first!”

So what’s all the mystery surrounding this supposedly dreamy, miracle pill?   By some of the descriptions I’ve heard, I have formed a vision of myself floating on air, with my weary head delicately placed on the softest, most peaceful and warm pillow ever created.  I am in a dream state.  I am of peace.  I have no stress, pain, anxiety or desire to stab anyone in the neck with a spoon.  I am back in the womb. 

Please, if Xanax does not deliver as stated above, don’t tell me.  I haven’t had the pleasure yet, and I want to keep this little fantasy alive.  I have all but given up on my other fantasies.  You know, the one about Jennifer Lopez  (and me)  and the one about Angelina Jolie  (and me)  and the one about George Clooney (and me).  Yes, those fantasies.   How’d George get in there?   I’m human.  Don’t judge.  Have you seen that man’s smile?   That’s some delicious stuff.   Then there’s the one about the Rolling Stones  (and me).  Oh hold your water, for crying out loud!  In that fantasy, I’m singing on stage with Mick Jagger, my hero, and we are rockin some “Brown Sugar”.   And baby, we ain’t doing Xanax, I’ll tell you that much.  ‘Nuff said.

So back to the little miracle, pillow pill, Xanax.  Lately, I’ve been having some pretty intense anxiety attacks, and it’s taking a while to come down from each one.  I really hate it when I’m in training on my new job, and I get an attack.   I start sweating, which is real attractive.  My feet start moving what seems to be 90 miles per hour, back and forth and up and down, under my desk.    I can’t concentrate because I just want to get up and get out of there.   It’s quite annoying.   And then there’s the eating.  I cram every Skittles and Starburst I can get into my mouth.  I don’t know what the thing is about the fruity taste, but I’m craving it like a pregnant woman needs her pickles and ice cream.  It’s just bazaar is what it is.

Maybe I need to ask my doctor for some Xanax, what do you all think?   Or maybe I need to drink more wine?  (My personal favorite)    Or maybe I need to exercise more?  Change my diet?   Get a life?  Maybe my underwear’s too tight?   (How’d that get in there?  That’s for another post.  Please disregard.)   Maybe it’s just the new job and the new routine.   Maybe I’m just playing my Drama Queen role again, where I’m the star, a legend in my own mind.  A virtual bitch with a twitch, as it were.

Wow, you guys sure are the best therapy around!  Well you’re free.   Thanks for listening.  Now it’s your turn.  Please weigh in with your expert opinions.   I do have other symptoms, just so’s you get a true picture of my little dilemma.   They are:   

  • Serious and continuous cravings for egg salad sandwiches and kosher dills.
  • Unusually drawn toward really homely lesbian porn videos.
  •  Have a propensity to read how-to books:   How to speak Portuguese, how to clean a fish, how to grow my own weed…for medicinal purposes of course.  
  • A sudden and frightening aversion to my baby toes.  

So, doctors, what’s your diagnosis?  


I have no money, but I’d be willing to trade my John Elway bobble head doll for a fix.  Just sayin…


31 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Sandra
    Jun 24, 2011 @ 23:00:31

    I have to say, Xanax is wonderful…


    • tsonoda148
      Jun 25, 2011 @ 09:46:33

      Hi Sandra. Please feel free to elaborate. I love hearing about enjoyment of any kind. Thanks for visiting! Come see me again. I am sure I will have lots more silliness as time goes by.


  2. Babe's Place
    Jun 24, 2011 @ 23:49:22

    I don’t think Xanax alone is the answer. Someone with an issue with thier little baby toes , needs intense therapy, drugs, and merlot in large volumns. You are a silly,silly, girl. Double huggs for you tonight. Mary


    • tsonoda148
      Jun 25, 2011 @ 09:45:32

      Hi My Lovely Mary. Kisses and Hugs. Intense therapy, huh? Well, if that’s gonna happen, it will have to be Intense Massage Therapy. I could roll with that business. Drugs? I’m waiting for them to legalize pot. I’ve been waiting my whole life. I sure hope they make it happen before I get too much older! And merlot? Absofuckinglutely.


  3. Michael Triggs
    Jun 25, 2011 @ 01:45:16

    Wow… Interesting ways your mind works. I’ve not had the Xanax pleasure either, but have also imagined it similarly. And how is it that we have the same fantasies? Angelina and J-Lo, not so much Clooney or Jagger (my homoerotic pendulum would swing more toward Antonio Banderas). Oh… And ‘homely lesbian poem’s is not such a bad thing either. Great post and very entertaining.


    • tsonoda148
      Jun 25, 2011 @ 09:43:18

      Hey Mike…..Happy Freaking Weekend, buddie! I was so glad for 4 pm to come yesterday, I could hardly contain myself. Hence the anxieties. Yea, my mind works in strange and wonderful (and don’t forget twisted) ways. He who must not be named can’t handle me. LMAO Have a super weekend. Glad you liked the post. And Xanax? Probably not.


  4. littlepatti
    Jun 25, 2011 @ 03:21:26

    I think you are my sister!


  5. Eva Gallant
    Jun 25, 2011 @ 07:17:23

    I was roaring out loud reading this! Love it. I have no experience with Xanax, so I can’t reinforce or destroy your fantasy. it’s safe. And I totally agree about George Clooney!


    • tsonoda148
      Jun 25, 2011 @ 09:40:17

      Thanks Eva. Yea that George Clooney transcends sexual orientation. If he was on one side of the fence and Jennifer Lopez was on the other, I would die from exhaustion because I’d keep leaping the fence over and back, over and back. I’m a freak. LOL


  6. Robin Craig
    Jun 25, 2011 @ 07:45:01

    Hey Sis Yes I have experienced the floating sensation of Xanax. matter pf fact I honestly believed I had a out of body experience with it. And that’s when I took them back to my Dr. and told him I didnt want any more of that crap. I think you’d be alot better off just to treat yourself wine a extra soothing hot bubble bath and nice glass of wine. Something you and Joan could enjoy. And my suggest for your happy feet is to get a fast little tune in your head and get the rhythm going in your hand and getter done. ( but just don”t get too caught up and broke into singing, because it’s extremely embarrassing to look up to a room full of people, looking at you like your an escapee from the looney bin.) LOL


    • tsonoda148
      Jun 25, 2011 @ 09:37:51

      LMAO. Sis you crack me up. Get er done. Awesome! No I don’t think Xanax is for me, unless I get a lot worse. I was drinking my medicine (merlot) while writing the post. I was cracking myself up. No…..no way I’m narcistic. Not me.


  7. Alexander M Zoltai
    Jun 25, 2011 @ 08:43:23

    Well, there’s a lot of humor in this post so I’m hoping the Xanax-attraction is only that; ’cause see, I spent 40 years crammin’ tons of Pot and tankers of beer in this bod’; plus, I had Hep C (thanks to the military, who graciously paid for the treatments, too) and the sledgehammer medicinal regimen I went through for eleven months took me two years to get over–no lie!!

    Try herbal teas, a product called Nuriche (real food supplements), and write about your woes and trials and dancin’ feet

    I suppose I just gave you scientific advice since I sure as hell did the experiments 🙂


    • tsonoda148
      Jun 25, 2011 @ 09:34:58

      Hi Alex. Wow you really had a go of it, didn’t you? I’m so glad you’re better now! Actually, you gave wonderful advice! I will definitely try the Nuriche and herbal teas. Thank you.


  8. kim sisto robinson
    Jun 25, 2011 @ 10:33:07

    ~~~Red wine works for me…
    i wouldn’t do the Xanax–before i tryed other things.
    Uuum, how about a good / bad book or meditation or big chocolate chip cookie
    —and if those don’t work…give George a jingle.
    and then call me immediately and give me George’s number, please.
    xxx Kiss for YOU!


    • tsonoda148
      Jun 25, 2011 @ 13:33:00

      Having a working plan is good. Having a couple backup plans is excellent. Well, you know I like the red wine idea. As for books, my Grad program is forcing me to read books by the ton. It is interesting, but more of a chore than pleasure. BIG chocolate chip cookie??? NOW you’re talking! I’m all for that. And I’ll tell George you said hello. hehehehe


  9. hawleywood40
    Jun 25, 2011 @ 12:41:10

    We must be channeling the same wavelength today! I was working on an as yet unposted piece about my inner anxiety and general crazy. I’ve always been afraid to try to medicate it because I worry that doing so would dull my fountain of story ideas while it was keeping me from doing that bouncy-leg, gotta-get-outta-here thing in meetings (you’re definitely NOT alone in that!).


    • tsonoda148
      Jun 25, 2011 @ 13:34:35

      I hear ya! That’s exactly what I worry about. I like to keep a clear head (well except when I want to cloud it up a bit with wine). I don’t want my brain to go on vacation either. I do hate those anxiety attacks though. UGH. Thanks for stopping by. Love it!


  10. Lorna's Voice
    Jun 25, 2011 @ 12:49:22

    As long as you keep writing like that, none of us will need Xanax! Keep writing, laughing, and the world will be healthier–that’s my diagnosis, and I am a doctor (but just a Ph.D., not an M.D.)!


    • tsonoda148
      Jun 25, 2011 @ 13:37:23

      Well, Dr Lorna, may I tell you what ails me? OK…..maybe not. I don’t want to fog up your weekend. I’m actually fine today. Thank goodness for down-days! I really got way too spoiled during those months of unemployment….and didn’t even realize it! Thank you so much for the lovely comments. You made my day. Ph D? Awesome!!! I will be doing the happy dance once I finish the work for my Masters. It’s not easy! I can’t even imagine Doctorate work.


  11. Linda Baker Heath
    Jun 26, 2011 @ 07:20:31

    Silly girl…your post always make me giggle!



  12. Dave
    Jun 26, 2011 @ 09:12:50


    Don’t think you would get much for the bobble head!

    Panties to tight, possibly!

    Wine, the more the merrier!

    Pills, doubtful!


    • tsonoda148
      Jun 26, 2011 @ 09:34:34

      HEY, John Elway stuff must be going for a lot. It must be. Please kind sir. Allow me that one fantasy, will ya. I don’t get any of my others. Dang it. Thanks for reading, my friend. You always make my day when I hear from you.


  13. jamieonline
    Jun 26, 2011 @ 09:45:09

    I think Skittles and Starburst are the best drugs! Fab fab fab! The sugar rush is always the best. Hope you manage to keep yourself calm.

    Sorry I’ve not been around much. I’ve been stressssssssssssssssed. But, maybe I should turn to Xanax……or sugar!

    Jamie x


    • tsonoda148
      Jun 26, 2011 @ 09:48:22

      Stressed, Jamie? There’s a wine for that. LOL Seriously, I hope things get better for you soon. Love love love hearing from you!


  14. cuhome
    Jun 26, 2011 @ 15:29:03

    I’m not sure how all those symptoms fit together, but I can tell you, being an RN, I am afraid to wade in there with any guesses. I’d forget the diagnosis and just give xanax a try. Knowing why you have all these cravings would probably just give you one more thing to worry about . . . what’s that song? Take a xanax, then “Don’t worry, be happy”? Oh, and good luck on those fantasies . . . my suggestion is keep those, sometimes they’re our only link to sanity, whatever that means . . .


  15. fosterok
    Jun 29, 2011 @ 10:57:05

    Xanex is great as long as I am able to take a nap within 45 mins. HA! I was put into full blown surgical menopause last year and have experienced a huge range of emotions and thoughts. Hell I didn’t even know they were a part of me and some I wish were not ( not to mention so do my co-workers) oh well LIFE. Merlot rocks!! I have dreamed of retiring near the beach. I love water and find it very therapeutic. However I do think about going back to Boulder and partaking in some legal smoking :). Good Luck to you and maybe you could crochet some really cute baby toe covers??? Maybe there is a market for them. HA HA


    • tsonoda148
      Jun 29, 2011 @ 19:13:07

      LOLOL on the baby toe covers. Awesome Idea! Thanks for stopping by. Love the comments. Please come by any time. I’ll hop over and check out your blog. Thanks again!


      • tsonoda148
        Jun 29, 2011 @ 19:14:04

        Actually, I don’t have a link to your blog. Do you have one? Would love to read it!

  16. Sherri
    Jul 06, 2011 @ 22:07:26

    I loved this post! Xanax is the wonder drug some days…I highly recommend it (and so does my husband). I have an Rx for those emergency days.
    I’m starting my blog again, but haven’t posted anything yet.
    Keep writing girl, you inspire me.



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