Everybody Wants Fred

When the light bulb came on this morning, I was reading a comment from a blog friend that I admire, and upon reading her message, I just knew what I had to do.   Having just posted my feelings about not having feelings about all things Christmassy, I was surprised and delighted  at the realization that I had the perfect solution all along.   His name is Fred.  He’s strong and tanned and has a wicked nasty evil beautiful smile.  He’s everything a woman (moose) could ever want in a man (moose).  Yea, he’s a moose hottie all right.   Feast your eyes (or cover them if you have a weak stomach) on the mighty, the sexy, the pretty darned ugly……Fred.   (Click on each picture to make Fred big.  He likes that)

Money Shot

Ain’t he something?  I had originally thought about having a contest to find the gaudiest, homeliest and/or the most pitiful holiday decoration, but there would have been no competition because Fred would win hooves-down.  He’s a party animal, a virtual moose man-of-the-hour, an icon of today’s fashionable, informed and hairy.   Fred’s got it all.  Fred is awesome.  My Christmas has been saved.  All hail Fred!   Now let’s party!

Fred from Above - What a Ham!

I'm not into moose butt, but you never know who's reading

I have been Fred’s keeper (and trainer) for some 10 years now, and I can honestly say  they have been some of the most fulfilling of my life.  He’s been my escort to several office parties, kept the excitement alive at home, even when the cat kept stealing his ornaments until there were only 3 and I had to buy more.   He’s always smiling even when I don’t want him to smile.  For real, sometimes I just want to slap that stupid grin right off his face, but I know he needs to smile.  He lives to smile.  He just rolls that way.  You can’t keep a good smile(r) down. (Any more clichés Terri?  No I think I’m done)  So I have learned to accept his needs and he keeps taking care of my needs…the ones where I need to see a moose smile needs…..those needs.  (What the hell kind of needs were you thinking?)

Right side Fred - His best side I guess

Fred is also famous for giving advice (apple doesn’t fall very far from the tree….guess I had one more in me).   Every year, Fred has spent the holiday season on the edge of my desk at work, providing holiday cheer and basic merriment to my staff when they were asked to join me in my cube.  Sometimes (most times) Fred was the only friend they had.  His toothy grin and soulful eyes just penetrated their souls and hearts, especially the women.  Little did they know he was really just checking out their boobs.  Yes, Fred is a dirty old moose.  I never told anyone until now because, quite frankly, I was ashamed for him.   As long as he was with me, I knew he could do no harm, so I let him stare.  I didn’t approve, mind you, but I just looked the other way.    For all I knew, some of the ladies may have enjoyed the attention.  Moose-men have a powerful magnetism, or so I’ve been told.  I’m a lesbian, so I’m demagnetized from such moose testosteronic (officially making that a word, so sue me) behavior.

Just one more Mr Photographer...Fred's in the zone

So now you see why Fred has to be in the closet AND in the box (pad-locked) and only gets out during the Christmas holidays.   He’s just too much moose to have around the whole year.  Enjoy these pictures from his latest photo shoot! I forced him to take his sunglasses off.  He was getting downright snooty, asking for his own room and special vitamin water available upon command.   I don’t know how many more years he can hold those antlers up and keep that picture-perfect smile, but I’ll keep taking care of him as long as I can.    I see any moose poop trails on the coffee table, though, and that little fucker gets the  garbage disposal.     And I’m not moose…ing around!

Somebody slap that bitch. How dare she mention me and a garbage disposal in the same sentence!

19 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Eva Gallant
    Dec 08, 2010 @ 20:11:16

    OMG! That is priceless. I am in love with Fred! What a cutie! He’s definitely one of a kind!


    • tsonoda148
      Dec 08, 2010 @ 21:23:56

      Thanks Eva. I am quite proud, as you can imagine. He originally had a gig as a reindeer, but when he got too old, they pulled his flying license, and he found solace in the bottom of a bottle…….until I rescued him. He is now working the 12 steps, but slips up every now and then. That’s why the padlock. You just can’t be too careful.
      Thanks again, for stopping by Crazyville.



  2. Michelle
    Dec 08, 2010 @ 22:17:47

    LOL I had no idea he was staring at my boobs.


  3. Linda
    Dec 08, 2010 @ 22:20:54

    You silly girl….Fred is WONDERFUL! Yes, I have a big smile on my face…lmao
    Fred is the Man! Love that big cheesy smile too!
    Funny thing is…I collect Moose.

    Glad you are getting into the Christmas spirit!

    Sending hugs your way!


  4. tsonoda148
    Dec 08, 2010 @ 22:39:49

    @Michelle………..speechless. I had no idea either. So sorry. I’ll have a talk with him.

    @Linda……Fred will do that to ya….just gets in the holiday mood. He’s festive, that one. Only, I have to have a little talk with him. Apparently he was checking out the night shift supervisor’s boobs and I was unaware. Maybe it’s good I’m unemployed because I don’t know if I can trust him around the younger ones any more.
    Oh gosh, I can’t stop. It’s Fred Fever. I need a therapist. Or possibly some medicinal pot.


  5. Karla Telega
    Dec 09, 2010 @ 10:08:56

    Is Fred related to George Clooney? They both have that same charisma and charm.

    You’ve got serious issues, Terri. I like that in a perosn.


  6. Lisa @ Grandma's Briefs
    Dec 10, 2010 @ 06:55:25

    I think I’ve fallen for Fred. Mucho moose works for me! Have a merry moose-filled day!


  7. Erin Margolin
    Dec 10, 2010 @ 08:25:01

    While I definitely think Fred would win hooves down, as you say, it still would be fun to have a bloggy contest like this, dontcha think? is it too late?
    Or what about an ugliest Christmas sweater edition?


  8. tsonoda148
    Dec 10, 2010 @ 09:03:29

    @Lisa….Fred’s a charmer. I don’t know what the world ever did without him.

    @Erin….Love the ugliest Christmas sweater idea! I have lots of those.


  9. Sherri
    Dec 10, 2010 @ 11:42:43

    Awwww, too cute!
    I too love Fred and this post was much better with the pictures. lol


  10. kluckmeister
    Dec 10, 2010 @ 21:18:59

    Fred is the shit! Does he come in a chocolate version. Mmmm I need a little chocolate Fred in my life. Wow never thought I’d say that.


  11. tsonoda148
    Dec 10, 2010 @ 21:26:54

    Ya got me on that one, Kluck. I’m speechless. LOL


  12. Lacie
    Dec 11, 2010 @ 07:26:32

    Ha! He is a looker all right!


  13. LBDDiaries
    Dec 11, 2010 @ 11:32:38

    OK, officially – you are off your rocker!!! Alpha Hubby has two moose (meese?) that play Grandma Got Run Over…. one in a rocking chair and one that bounces his head around (he’s probably a bit drunk on eggnog) – and you’re right – once I dug those out, the Christmas spirit took over – whoo hoo!! You Fred is a bit scarey, tho. I’d be afraid to close my eyes at night with him around.


    • tsonoda148
      Dec 11, 2010 @ 12:00:53

      Nan…..laughed so hard I spewed my Diet Pepsi………anyway, IF ONLY I had a dollar for every time someone has told me I’m off my rocker, I would no longer worry about unemployment.
      It’s just what makes me…….me. LOL


  14. Amanda
    Dec 11, 2010 @ 14:28:54

    oh Fred… I have a moose couple that live in my Christmas tree. Their names are Mo and Molly. They’ve been around since I was tiny, and now they belong to me. It wouldn’t me Christmas without them. Maybe Fred knows them.


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