Falling Off the Wagon

Before leaving on Thanksgiving vacation in Georgia, I found fulfillment in eating yogurt, salads and my morning oatmeal, and was getting healthier every day.   Upon returning home, I find this is no longer the case.   Why?   Well, like the Coneheads from Saturday Night Live, I “consumed mass quantities” during my vacation, and as a result, gained weight along with an insatiable appetite for all foods unauthorized on any weight-loss plan.  Yes, I have indeed Fallen off the Wagon and opted for the Thick Gravy Train instead.  I must have consumed thousands of calories per day, as I waded my way through my Dad’s homemade gravy and biscuits, stuffing, potatoes, cheesy noodles, breads, pies, cakes, candy, and more pie, and still more pie. I was unstoppable in my quest to eat it all, folks, and my mission was accomplished.  So what do I do now other than shoot myself or have my mouth wired shut?

One funny thing to note here is that I am getting plenty of good-natured and well-intended advice from family, friends and complete strangers.    I was chatting with a nice lady at the airport yesterday, while waiting for my flight, and she had the perfect solution for my out-of-control eating dilemma.  She suggested that I just wait until after the New Year to do anything about it because it would take my body several weeks to recover, so may as well enjoy the rest of the holidays, eating everything in sight,  “Because”, quoting her, “we only live once and it may as well be with a full belly”.    She must have lived with this philosophy for some years, as she looked to be over 300 pounds herself, and seemed pretty happy to me.   I enjoyed our chat, but I think I’ll pass on the advice.

And, to top it all, you’d think I wouldn’t have any cravings after my gluttonous adventures, but I am actually dreaming of turkey as I write.   Thinking back on the big day, I don’t think I received nearly enough turkey, which is supposed to be the focal point of the frickin’ meal, right?   Hell, there wasn’t enough room on my plate for much bird, as I shoveled up so many different starches, because I had to try every single offering!   We sure do  have some fabulous cooks in my family, damn it.  My stepsister alone, brought three amazing dishes, all of which I had to try, and try again, and then one more time later in the day.  Damn her and her good cooking.  Southerners….can’t go near them without overeating, I swear.   Bless their hearts (again, we southerners always end an insult with this.  It softens the blow and excuses us our bad manners).

This losing-weight rollercoaster has a lot of loop-the-loops.  I seem to record a loss of ten pounds one month, only to gain a couple of pounds during a setback such as Thanksgiving, and having to backtrack and regroup my thinking processes, along with my daily rituals.  I guess the important thing is the forward progress, even if ever so slow, right?    Yep, that’s what I keep trying to convince myself of, as my thoughts drift off to chips and salsa, muffins, peanut butter, and all those delectable foods I’d previously and successfully given up.   Maybe I should be rethinking having my mouth wired shut, or hiring an ex-marine sergeant to scream at me and whip my ass into shape……or joining a cult and going on a required hunger strike to prove my spiritual loyalty.   Maybe that’s a bit severe, sure, but I’m desperate.  I don’t want to be one of those women of whom jokes are made, such as “She is so fat that when she sits down, her ass is in a different zip code”.    Yea, it’s a cute joke, and I’m actually chuckling right now, but I don’t want the “She” to be me.   Oh hell, I’m in the mood now, so may as well go with it, so here’s another one.  “She was so fat that when she stepped on the scale, it said ‘to be continued..’” That one cracks me up, and every single time I get on the scale, for a brief second, I wonder if it will say ‘to be continued’, especially this morning as I weighed-in for the first time since before Thanksgiving.   Oh I had gained, but there were a couple of numbers left before the scale would have hit TILT.  Just a couple.  Scary and sobering.    Time to get back on that wagon, at least until Santa comes along, tempting me with candy canes and chocolate, marshmallow-filled Christmas trees.

So, Terri, put the fork down and back away from the table.  Yes sir, Sergeant, right away sir.  Please, sir, no more sit-ups!  I’ll be good, I promise.  Laps?  Oh God, anything but laps!………

20 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Sherri
    Nov 29, 2010 @ 11:17:49

    I fell off the wagon AND got ran over by it I think. I haven’t gotten on the scale. watch what you eat for a few days and take a big BM and you will lose what you gained. lol

    Reply

  2. tsonoda148
    Nov 29, 2010 @ 11:20:52

    Oh Sherri. ROFL….BM’s. Don’t you just love those? Nothing like a good BM to clear your “mind” huh? Toooooo funny. You rascal.

    Terri

    Reply

  3. Linda
    Nov 29, 2010 @ 11:37:02

    OMG….I agree with the nice Lady at the Airport…Just wait until the Holidays are over…For cryin out loud…just take a couple of bites of everything.

    Then, with the help from others (ME) who also comsumed the Holiday food this way will whip are asses back into shape!
    Hubby bought me “Just Dance 2” for the wii, and I plan on Dancer-cizing my self back into shape.
    Find something you like to do, and make it work for you as a work-out..(Like dancing is for me.) “If your a movin it…your gonna lose it!” My new Motto! Ha.

    Reply

  4. tsonoda148
    Nov 29, 2010 @ 13:14:15

    Hi Linda….guess I’d better start moving it then. I do like to dance, but fear the folks in the apartment below me might frown upon their ceiling shaking (or worse).
    And, just a couple bites? That does not compute…..

    Terri

    Reply

  5. Lisa @ Grandma's Briefs
    Nov 29, 2010 @ 15:02:57

    If you’re posting 10-pound losses at ANY point, you’re doing way (weigh!) better than I am.

    I posted on my fridge, “Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.” Then my chocolate chip pumpkin bread got the better of me … and I erased the damn quote.

    Reply

  6. tsonoda148
    Nov 29, 2010 @ 15:48:17

    Hi Lisa…..Yea I actually did lose 10 pounds a month for several months (I was way up there) and then it all slowed down. I’m going to have to put some extra energy into it to lose the rest, that’s for sure.

    So ya’s got any more of that pumpkin bread left????
    🙂

    Reply

  7. Lacie
    Nov 29, 2010 @ 16:25:09

    I am SO with you. I don’t even eat sweets at all. Like, they’re actually too sweet for me. Yet, since Thanksgiving, I’ve apparently overcome that little mountain. Last night I ate cookies for dinner. About 17 of them. My husband tried to make me complement my cookie fest with some actual food and I was like, “I hate protein and veggies. Give me some chocolate chips to put on these bad boys!!!” You know, because everyone knows you’re supposed to eat your cookies with a side of candy. Obviously.

    Reply

  8. tsonoda148
    Nov 29, 2010 @ 16:39:12

    Lacie….ROFLMAO…….17 cookies for dinner…….side of candy. And I knew that for sure! You are priceless. Love it.

    Terri

    Reply

  9. Amanda
    Nov 29, 2010 @ 18:45:36

    damn those cakes and pies and candies and cookies….

    Reply

  10. Pamela
    Nov 29, 2010 @ 20:31:15

    I shared your misery today. It is so easy to fall off the wagon around all the carbs and sugars. We are actually vacationing away from family food at Christmas, and I’m praying that does the trick. I would love to take a good healthy vacation, soon. Hey! You deserve a good healthy vacation! I prescribe one especially for you. Once we accidentally stayed at a vegan bed and breakfast though, and I sure don’t recommend that. Gack.

    Reply

  11. tsonoda148
    Nov 29, 2010 @ 21:06:41

    Gosh, Pamela, I would give my whole box of Little Debbie Oatmeal snack cakes AND my bag of Dove chocolates for a vacation like that. Maybe once I actually have a job………
    But thanks for thinking about me. I did the gym today and I was draggin ass for sure….it’ll take a few days to feel like I’m accomplishing something again.
    Then comes Santa.
    😦
    Terri

    Reply

  12. tsonoda148
    Nov 29, 2010 @ 21:08:20

    Amanda……you may very well have enjoyed those cakes and pies and cookies, but you sure hide it well. Brat.

    Love ya’s,
    Terri

    Reply

  13. LBDDiaries
    Nov 29, 2010 @ 21:53:06

    Man I HATED the yearly mile run you had to do in AF (under a certain amount of time) and while I was healthy and active until the past few years, I am with you on hiring a marine drill sargent – or a Navy Seal – to come beat me back into shape! Your jokes were hysterical!!

    Reply

  14. tsonoda148
    Nov 29, 2010 @ 22:18:00

    Thanks Nan. I actually changed my mind on that Sergeant since I wrote this (I have a very short attention span!). I remembered how much I love/hate that Jillian who beats those people into shape on the Biggest Loser. She’s HOT and she could yell at me any time. LOLOL

    Terri (big evil grin)

    Reply

  15. Linda
    Nov 30, 2010 @ 06:59:04

    I LMAO just reading your followers replies!

    Reply

  16. robin craig
    Nov 30, 2010 @ 19:00:36

    Look to my shrinking Sister! You look so remarkably great. But you still seem to have lost a fews inches in your hight!When I got on our scales the darn thing called 911 and its lawyer for the weight i put on!LOL And I aint even going to see my doc, til it drops cause he will chew me up and spit me out. Now my wonderful son and granddaughter are swearing up and down that it looks like I lost some, after scareing that crappy do out of me . Thought Id lost the keys and Johnny had them in his truck. So I guess for the both of us its “wagons Ho” !!LOL

    Reply

  17. tsonoda148
    Nov 30, 2010 @ 19:16:55

    LIL SIS, you crack me up! And yes, you certainly looked good when I saw you. When comparing pictures from some time ago and now, you look MAHVELOUS DAHLING! So whatever you’re doing, keep it up.
    As for my height, it’s 5’6″ like it has been since I was in that rollover some 19 years ago. I was 5’7 1/2″ before the rollover, but had 3 compression fractures, which netted a half inch for each fracture, so I lost an inch and a half.
    But that was a long time ago!
    Love ya’s,
    Terri

    Reply

  18. ellen abbott
    Dec 01, 2010 @ 17:29:09

    Hi Terri. I was going to send you a reply via email but then I didn’t think you would get it so I am replying to your comment on my blog first and then I’ll comment on yours…OK?

    Mine – Thank you. I appreciate your kind thoughts. thank you for visiting. I’m sorry you had to visit on a day with such an unhappy post.

    Yours – Two steps forward and one step back. It’s the natural order of things. You made me laugh so thank you.

    Reply

  19. tsonoda148
    Dec 01, 2010 @ 18:54:16

    Hi Ellen;
    Thanks so much for visiting my blog and your lovely comments. I look forward to following your blog, hearing more about your grandkids and you, and making a new bloggy friend.
    Take care of you!
    Terri

    Reply

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